


The starks are train wrecks, the starks are cursed

by AroAceMess



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, How Do I Tag, I AM A MESS, Kinda, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Please be nice, but i love it, it’s not really specified, no stark meet the family will ever go well, renly and loras are there for about two seconds and all they do is have sex, the starks are cursed, the starks are train wreks, this is a mess, this is a pile of shit, utter crack, which is pretty much cannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 00:59:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15570231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AroAceMess/pseuds/AroAceMess
Summary: In which bran is suffering™️ and wants his family to fuck off for a week so he can fuck his boyfriend in peace and in his own bed for once. Also known as, the starks are a hot mess who cannot and will not ever be able to get a meet the family right. Staring bets, sex, uncomfortable silence and Catelyn stark spilling things.I am a hot mess, this is a hot mess. Give it a go.





	The starks are train wrecks, the starks are cursed

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’ve been an admirer and avid reader of fanfics for a few years now and decided to give it a go myself. 
> 
> Here’s the pile of shit I wrote instead of sleeping enjoy. 
> 
> I’m English but this is set in America with British drinking laws + attitude to drinking because fuck common sense

Bran had thought he was certain of a few things. 

For one he thought he was certain that his family were going to be gone Tuesday through Sunday back Monday which gave him and Jojen about six days of blessed time together in his house.

None of his family knew about jojen despite them being together for eight months already, bran had seen the train wreck that was meet the family with his family three times already and one thing he definitely was certain of was that he wasn’t keen on doing that just yet. 

Jon had been the first to bring someone home surprisingly. They’d all thought it would be that red head girl he hung round with, ygritte, but he had walked through the door with practically her polar opposite.

While she was all harsh lines and harsh words with a plainish face stocky build with a wild mane of ginger hair and fierce brown eyes, so similar to Jon (minus the red hair and female genitalia) it was scary. The boy who had jons arm wrapped around his waist was tallish soft spoken all soft lines and curves a slight build and a breathtakingly pretty face neat dark curls and shining eyes coloured like rich mahogany with a voice like bells. He managed to make a floral print button up look good. He’d introduced himself as satin flowers and stuck out a hand which hovered for a moment as they all stared dumbfounded. 

Bran had eventually took it, dying of second hand embarrassment ‘I’m bran, second youngest, don’t mind them you’re just a lot different to who we all thought Jon would be bringing, you are miles out of his league, dining room everyone’ they’d shuffled along behind him and satin and Jon who had looked at him in grateful awe. At twelve he had been more competent than most of his family. 

Satin had stuck around, he smelt like roses had a laugh like sunshine and managed to keep Jon in check and focused for more than two seconds, in other words he was a saint, and they hadn’t managed to scare him off for six years so they doubted he was going anywhere anytime soon. 

After that was robb. 

No one was surprised when he brought Theon Greyjoy over for dinner one night and said that along with the title of best friends they were now also boyfriends. All of the starks sans rickon and bran had pulled out their wallets and deposited $150 dollars each on the table, which bran happily scooped up. He’d said June but Sansa had said July which was only two weeks away so she was glaring daggers at him down the table. Robb looked mortified and Theon was laughing so hard he stared to cry. He’d only laughed more when his mom had accidentally spooned sticky toffee pudding all down his shirt aiming for a bowl. He was a keeper.

Sansa had done her one over Skype to try and diminish the risk of fuck up. Her and Margery were sat on Margery’s bed. It had gone fine until loud sex noises filtered in. It was Margery’s brother Loras and his boyfriend Margery’s freshly dumped ex - who had apparently been fucking her brother since the week before they started their relationship - Margery had flushed bright red (her brother sounded like a porn star) and Sansa had muttered something about them being cursed before shutting off the call. 

 

So yeah 

Anyway 

His family had gone on a retreat to rural Spain, he had opted out not wanting to spend a week with his family and their partners in a cabin in rural Spain with no WiFi, so he’d invited jojen over for six days of weed sex and cereal at odd times. His parents were cool with the whole smoking thing, as long as they did nothing harder than weed and alcohol they were chill (his mom emptied his ash tray for Christ’s sake).

Sunday morning had started out the same as the rest of the week. Lazy kisses which resulted in jojen giving him a sloppy blow job (he had no gag reflex, a trait bran was very thankful of), and then breakfast at 3pm. At 4 bran lit a joint with a blueberry flavoured filter and they shared shotgun kisses until they were both floating.

Bran hastily stubbed out the joint as jojen straddled him. They were both only wearing boxers both covered in hickeys bran had scratch marks all over his back and jojen had hand shaped bruises on his hips. Both so wrapped up in each other that they didn’t hear the door opening nor did they catch onto the fact brans family plus satin and Theon were stood in his doorway slack jawed as they watched bran both be mauled and maul the beautiful blonde boy with glass green eyes. None of them moved until bran stuck his hand down jojens boxers and Sansa coughed to make their presence known. 

Bran froze detached his mouth from jojens turned to look at his family and groaned ‘that’s it we’re fucking cursed rickon you may as well give up and you arya for we, the great stark family, are cursed’ Sansa sighed and nodded.

‘Well you may as well introduce us then’ he couldn’t believe how calm he was feeling. It was probably the weed. Definitely the weed.

‘This is jojen Reed jojen this is the family, rickon he’s the youngest, 16, then arya she’s 19 Sansa she’s 22 and then robb he’s 24 and so’s Jon - wait where’s Jon’ satin shook his head.

‘Thats why we’re back early him and Margery got food poisoning, I’m satin Jon’s fiancé Margery is sansas girlfriend and that’s Theon robbs boyfriend’ jojen nodded once and bran realised he still had his hand down jojens boxers, he quickly removed it. 

‘Oh and those are my parents Ned and catelyn‘ he makes a vague gesture toward his parents. His mom lets out a quick cough but in the silence they can here the faint sounds of Jon and Margery emptying there guts into the toilet. Lovey, just the right background noise for the situation they’re in. 

His mom speaks next ‘how about you get some clothes on and join us downstairs’ he nods and closes the door turning to jojen.

‘So that’s my family’ jojen laughs then groans and flops onto the bed.

‘Bran I’m about as high as a person can be right now and I smell like weed and I’m limping how am I supposed to meet your family like this’ bran points to the bathroom and jojen nods once. It can’t possibly get worse than this. 

\---

The rest of the starks and friends minus Jon and Margery were sat in the lounge all holding rather generous glasses of strong wine arya, of course, breaks the silence. ‘Did you see the size of those bruises and the scratch marks on bran actual legit scratch marks’ robb practically yells at her,

‘Yes we did arya and we’re all trying to unsee it ok’ Theon, rubbing circles into robbs back, lat out a small chuckle causing robb to slap his arm. Arya turns on him.

‘Bet you $100 that the blonde one, jojen right, is the one limping’ Theon ponders for a moment ‘deal’ robb slaps his arm again, harder this time, making a squawk of disapproval. 

Bran came trudging down the stairs in a loose white shirt and joggers, the shirt doing absolutely nothing to hide any of the - ahem - marks seeing as it was basically see through. Jojen was following him, albeit slower wincing slightly with every step. Theon discreetly slid arya $100 but bran saw and went bright red. Jojen spoke first,

‘Bets, sex and uncomfortable silent staring, from what I’ve been told it looks like we’ve got all of the worst parts of their meet the family’s rolled into one. All we need now is for your mom to spill something on me and it’ll be perfect. Hummm babe’ bran groaned and satin and Theon snickered reminiscing on the train wrecks that were their first time meeting the stark family.

At that moment Catelyn started forward to shake jojens hand, and tripped on the furry rug they were standing on, lurching forward and throwing an entire glass of red wine over him. ‘Now it’s perfect, don’t ya think babe’ bran looked mortified as he watched jojen dripping with red wine turn and grin at him.

Satin spoke up ‘now he’s a keeper, if you can withstand all that you’re perfect stark material’ Theon was laughing, and crying, into robb’s shoulder. 

They are stood in the living room, jojen and the rug sodden with dark wine the faintest smell of weed in the air the dreadful knowledge that bran had blown them of to have sex for a week weighing on their minds and the sounds of Jon and Margery throwing up in the background as bran practically died of embarrassment. All in all a classic stark family first meet. 

\---  
Extra

That night when they were curled up in brans bed jojen kissed his shoulder and spoke into his skin ‘even though your family is batshit crazy I still love you ya know’

Bran smiled and nodded

‘Yeah, love you too jojen love you too’ 

They fell asleep the sounds of Margery and Jon’s guts being expelled had subsided and all that could be heard now was the fucking annoying consistent barking of shaggy dog. All in all a good night.

**Author's Note:**

> So there you have it. My first, and maybe last because I can’t get my shit together for long enough to be productive, attempt at fanficion. Give it a kudos if you thought it was even somewhere near decent and comment if you want, but be nice I am unstable™️.


End file.
